![]() But telling your child that the iPad is broken (when you just don’t want him to use it) or that the toy store is closed (when you just don’t want to stop there on the way home) doesn’t do your child, or you, any favors. Once in a while, you can, of course, tell your toddler or preschooler that there are no more cookies, even though you know there’s another unopened box in the pantry. ![]() Are there times when a little fib is OK? Yes. Often parents lie - or, ahem, tell half-truths - to avoid simply saying no and having their child experience (and express, likely in tantrum form) disappointment or frustration. Period.ĭON’T lie to your child to head off a tantrum. Also in this category: “Relax!” and “ Calm down!” Just stop saying that. As parents, we need to model and teach them how to cope with these feelings, not how not to have them, which, frankly, won’t work anyway. Young children need to learn that their feelings are part of life - even the difficult ones - and that they come and go, like waves in an ocean we need to ride (an analogy I didn’t make up but often invoke). And not only should they have this magical power, but they should exercise it not when they want to, but when their parents want them to. If, on the other hand, they are told often enough not to feel what they feel, toddlers and preschoolers may come to believe that they have the ability to switch their emotions on and off on a dime or - more accurately - that they should be able to do so. “You’re frustrated that it looks more like a rectangle than a circle, huh?” or “You were working so hard, and then the dog came over and ruined it.” When children have the opportunity to have their emotions heard and understood by their parents, they feel soothed and no longer have to demonstrate their distress with louder screaming or harder crying. In contrast, however, they frequently calm down when parents simply help label their feeling or describe the circumstance at hand. Often, during these activities, children scream or cry when they “mess up,” prompting parents to rush in to “help,” also known as “do whatever it takes to avoid a meltdown.” Parents immediately tell their child that there’s “nothing to get upset about,” or that they “can try again.”Īlthough these comments sometimes work to stave off a tantrum in the moment, I’ve often seen young children get even more upset in response. I see this a lot around play, particularly when children are attempting to master a skill, such as constructing a building out of blocks or drawing a (more) perfect circle. These are comments that not only invalidate young children’s emotions and experiences but also instruct them to feel something different than they do - for example, “Don’t be angry,” or “Stop getting so upset!” This is a great general rule (to apply to toddlers, preschoolers, and the rest of humankind) and is particularly relevant for tantrums. The same goes for words like “unreasonable” and “irrational.” No one likes to be told he’s being ridiculous, whether age two or 42. “You’re being ridiculous.” This one pretty much speaks for itself.And now you’re also ashamed of being upset, since apparently there’s nothing to get upset about. Either you believe there is a good reason to get so upset or you’re aware of the absence of a “reason” from a logical standpoint, and yet you’re upset anyway. ![]() Is it ever helpful to be told you’re upset for no reason? No. “There’s nothing to get so upset about.” Again, think about your own experiences with being upset.Be on the lookout for those words - even when said in a seemingly empathic tone - when your little one is falling apart. The word “just,” in the same context, is also a giveaway. “Oh come on, it’s only X.” The “only” here is the big clue that you are patronizing your child by discounting whatever it is she’s upset about.My bad - blew it way out of proportion.” Frankly, it’s not just kids. “X is not a big deal.” When in the history of the world has this ever worked with anyone? Your toddler or preschooler will never say, “You know what? You’re right, Mom.Some examples of invalidating reactions, aside from blatantly laughing at your child, include: On their face, the reasons toddlers throw tantrums can be patently absurd.Īnd yet, when we are with our children, it’s important that we don’t laugh, that we take their reactions and experiences seriously. “She completely freaks out over the smallest thing!” Parents constantly use this word, “smallest,” and the many synonymous words and phrases - “littlest,” “most unimportant,” “most trivial” - to describe the things that trigger their child’s tantrums. When parents describe their toddler’s tantrums, they frequently speak in an incredulous tone. DON’T invalidate your toddler’s perspective or emotions.
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